After being called a fraud and an impostor in the crunchy controversy over his rank, Cap’n Crunch set the record straight, holding a press conference to defend his “captainhood” and address the “mutinous rumblings.”
For those who haven’t been following the cereal scandal dubbed “Crunchgate” from the beginning, the beloved cereal icon was accused of posing as a captain because his uniform has only three stripes on his sleeve, which, in naval terms, means he is a commander, a rank below captain. He would need four stripes to become a captain.
The spokes-pirate, whose full name is Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch, addressed his adversaries in a presser aboard a cartoon ship that was broadcast on his late-night YouTube talk show, “The Cap’n Crunch Show,” last night.
The cereal mascot points out that the world should take the specifications of his uniform lightly given the fact that he has only four fingers instead of five and that his eyebrows are attached to his hat and not on his face.